What was I thinking

I survived this weekend. I haven't a f**n clue what energy was swirling around but it hooked me like a starving fish. I went off the wall and fell on my face. I was humbled. I allowed myself to make a humiliating error that brought on feelings I was so uncomfortable with I could barely talk. I wish I would have been aware of what I was really feeling instead if going through such a unpleasant event. The thing is I didn't even realize this was happening. I knew I was uncomfortable but I thought it was just my social anxiety and lack of self worth rearing its ugly head. After all was said and done I heard "see you are putting your self in another position to please people just like before". I could have rejected this but I immediately felt a sigh escape my solar plexus and I knew it was TRUE!!!!!
I think I need to learn how to protect my energy. I haven't been so hooked in soooooo long. I have felt very vulnerable and felt zapped a few times. I would really like to teach this to Aidan as well. I've started working in a chiropractors office and I don't want to touch these people. I feel like every time I touch them I "take on" some of their energy and I am NOT comfortable with this. I feel like a sin eater.
Damn glad to have made it through this.

I'll try again tomorrow

Nanye-hi was a strong leader and a loving woman. I want to exhibit those traits. I feel like its wrong to be so powerful. I feel like its too much responsibility. I don't "think" I can do it. I "feel" otherwise but with a sense of fear that I just couldn't consistently keep up my strength. How can I hold that frame of mind when I get so depleted that all I want to do is numb out. I realize it shouldn't feel this way. Shouldn't it just happen without force? I hate that f***n word, Shouldn't. It has brought such limitation to my life. I shouldn't do this or shouldn't that. I have spent a lifetime disappointing others and telling myself that I was less than. This week was when I realized that the universe was practically screaming this message. By Friday I could plainly feel the universe saying "Listen chic, we have been telling you this all along"! I get it and I am so happy that I will not be returning to a job that I do to please others. This mission statement idea has given me permission to take my power and let it evolve and morph into what it is supposed to be. At this time my life is the result of decisions I've made because of fear. The fear of not surviving on my own and the fear of thinking I need someone elses approval to be worthy. I am redefining myself and I am not sure what this looks like. So I will go to bed believing in the saying by Mary Ann Radmacher. Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."